Even When I Had Nothing
by Anna Fugazzi
Summary: Natasha warned Steve he might not want to pull on that thread, but it wasn't like he had much of a choice.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This is the post-Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier sequel to Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I'm surprisingly unsure as to how long it's going to be, but right now it's looking like five chapters.

* * *

"Christ, what a mess," said Tony, dropping down onto the couch next to Pepper and handing her a whiskey. "We've confirmed what Sitwell said, by the way," he said to Natasha. "Bruce _was_ on the HYDRA list."

Natasha sat back and swirled her drink, noting absently that it was funny how she no longer had any problem thinking of Jasper Sitwell as a traitor. Maybe that was one advantage of having had to rehash the tale ad nauseam at the hearings for the last couple of weeks - as well as dealing with all the other revelations about who was rotten at SHIELD.

"Bruce, Stephen Strange, Reed Richards - a lot of people," said Pepper. "Came within seconds of getting them, too."

Bruce nodded grimly, fingers tight around his glass. Pepper gave him a worried glance.

"And using tech _I_ gave them, the bastards," Tony muttered. He shook his head and took a sip of his drink. "I'm a little insulted that I wasn't on it too, to be honest. And I still can't quite believe Sitwell was rotten. Though finding out about my best friend in the Senate was a pleasant surprise." He gave Natasha a wry grin. "So. You've given the finger to the powers that be, you've destroyed a pretty serious amount of property, and SHIELD is in shambles." He glanced around at the gathered group. "I'd say the Avengers Initiative as we know it is done for. What now?"

"Don't think there's a big change for you two," said Clint, perched on the arm of Natasha's chair and nodding at Tony and Bruce. "Not like SHIELD was your permanent gig. It's me, Natasha and Steve who are screwed on the careers front."

"You know Maria Hill's already taken us up on the offer of a job at SI," Pepper pointed out. "The rest of you can certainly—"

"Clint and I will be fine," said Natasha. It wasn't like they were hard up for cash, after all. And they had HYDRA rats to help Fury track down, and an agency to help build back, if such a thing was possible. All sorts of things to do. "We'll let you know if we need your help."

"Cap?" asked Tony. "Any solid plans for the future yet? Or is the plan still to go after Barnes, like Natasha said?"

"That's still the plan," said Steve.

"You and flyboy here?" Tony asked, glancing at Sam, who nodded.

Natasha pursed her lips. "I told you that you might not want to unravel that thread."

"I have to."

Tony exchanged a glance with Bruce, then leaned forward. "Listen, Rogers," he began, then paused. "Steve, I... I get that you have an overdeveloped sense of duty and all, but I think there might be bigger problems going on right now than trying to track down one old friend who-"

"I have to," Steve said through a clenched jaw. He put his untasted drink on the coffee table beside him.

Tony frowned, then turned to Sam. "Can't you talk sense into him?"

Sam shook his head. "Probably not. Haven't tried real hard."

"Steve, there are a few things you need to think about," Natasha said. "Your friend probably doesn't have a command structure right now. That could be devastating - and dangerous for somebody like him."

"Doesn't that mean that he needs to be found, before he does any harm?"

"He's already done plenty of harm, Steve," Clint said bluntly.

"More harm, I mean."

"Are you really the best person to track him down though?" asked Clint. "And take him in? He's your friend. That's gonna affect how you think of him. It already has."

"The other possibility is that he may be harmless," said Natasha. Steve narrowed his eyes at her and she had the distinct impression that he thought she was full of shit and was too polite to say so. "Without somebody to give him orders, he could just be wandering around."

"And you know what else is going on right now with SHIELD, and how serious it is," said Clint. "We could use your help."

"Either way, the authorities will be looking for him," Bruce pointed out. "It's not like you're the only one who's gonna want to find him."

"You know, HYDRA may be looking for him too," said Tony. "Whoever's left of them—if they haven't found him already. He's a weapon, and they lost a lot of them recently."

"I've thought of that." Steve stood up, nervous energy radiating off of him.

Natasha winced in sympathy. Not that she really thought any of them had a chance talking him out of going after the Winter Soldier, but they had to make the effort—an effort that couldn't be easy for Steve to listen to.

"Getting between HYDRA and what they want hasn't done wonders for your health so far," Tony continued. "Don't get me wrong, we're all glad you did it - especially Bruce and all the other targets on that list—but... for one guy?"

Steve faced them all squarely, and Natasha could see the stubbornness that was such an integral part of him stiffening his spine. "You're telling me Bucky may be very harmful because he's disoriented, and it'll be dangerous for me to try to find him because I'm too involved. Or he may be harmless and there's no need to waste time trying to find him. Or the remnants of HYDRA will be trying to get him, which makes it even more dangerous for me to get him."

There were general nods all around.

"All of which are reasons why I have to go," said Steve flatly. "If he's a loose cannon, somebody needs to find him, and I don't want it to be people who want to just... put him down. If he's disoriented and harmless, it's even more important that he be found by someone who gives a damn whether he lives or dies." Steve swallowed. "And if HYDRA's looking for him, we have to get him first."

"You keep saying 'we' but you mean 'me,'" said Tony grimly. "I just don't think you're the best choice to do this. You're too close, you still see him as your good buddy. He's not that any more."

"I don't think we know what he is any more," said Steve quietly.

Clint spoke up. "If he's on autopilot and there's nothing left of who he used to be, I can tell you one thing. The man he was would want you to put him down before he hurts anybody else."

Natasha swallowed and reached over to entwine her fingers with Clint's.

Clint squeezed her fingers gently, but didn't meet her gaze. "Living with what he did will be hell. You sure you wanna wish that on him?"

Steve took a deep breath.

"He's not wrong about that, Steve," Sam said. "Even if you get him back, even if you can contain him, it may not be possible for him to ever be who he used to be."

"Did you read the file on him?" Natasha asked Sam.

Sam nodded. "We both did. Bucky was tortured. His mind was wiped. He was used as a weapon." He gazed at Steve, his eyes full of compassion. "You don't just walk back from that, Steve. He's not gonna be the good buddy you knew."

Steve's Adam's apple bobbed. "I know." He shook his head. "I can't - I know what was done to him. And I know he may not be able to recover. But I can't... I can't leave him that way."

"How close were you, before?" asked Tony. Steve's eyebrows went up. "Yeah, I know what the Smithsonian says, but I also know how PR works. Were you really friends?"

"He was my best friend," he said stiffly.

"Not one of those 'we just happened to grow up together, never could stand the guy, but it's good for the Cap image' things?"

Steve scowled. "No. Why would you think—"

Tony held up his hands. "Hey, I've seen what spin doctors can do when you give them free rein. And you were both gone and ripe for becoming the stuff of patriotic legend."

"He was my best friend," Steve repeated firmly. "And he deserves better than to be hunted down like a rabid dog."

"If he was your best friend, you want what's best for him," said Clint. "You want to protect him, right? Well, the best way to protect him may mean letting other people find him. Wilson's right. That kind of trauma... your pal may not be able to survive it, even if you can save his life. Someone who's not you might just want to put him down, and that might be the best thing for him."

"I can't accept that."

"I know exactly what I'm talking about, dude," Clint said, his voice grim. "Do you know how many lives I was responsible for?"

"I… I know—"

"Some days I'm still not sure Nat made the right call with me, Steve," he said, and Natasha wondered if the rest of them could hear the pain behind those words. "And it's been a couple years."

"_I'm_ sure she made the right call. And I wanna make that call for Bucky." Steve swallowed. "He was a hero. He deserves... everything. He deserves anything I can give him."

Clint blew out his breath and looked at Sam. "Have you even tried to talk him out of this?"

Sam chuckled. "Nope. I know better."

Natasha let go of Clint's hand and sat back, giving up. Well, it had been a long shot anyway. "All right. It's your decision. You're going to do what you think is right, no matter what."

"Pretty much," Steve said, giving her a small smile.

"It's what people admire about you," she said, and smiled back at him.

There was a small pause.

"You know, on the plus side, this'll make the fangirls wet themselves, if they ever find out," Tony said with a smirk.

Clint snorted. Bruce rolled his eyes.

"The what?" Steve asked.

"The fangirls," said Tony. "There's a slightly disturbed sector of society that's pretty obsessed with you—with all of us, really."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Celebrity culture. Right."

"Well, a bunch of your personal fangirls are pretty obsessed with your past. You and Bucky, your best friend. All sorts of theories that your friendship was... closer than anybody knew."

Steve blinked, confused. "Closer?"

"You know, more than brotherly? The love that dared not speak its name?" Steve's face went blank and Tony snickered. "You should really patent that look of 'Your Century Baffles Me'." He leaned forward. "They think you were having sex," he said clearly and slowly. "As in, with each other."

Steve stared at him.

"Oh, relax, Cap, it's just for fun—" Tony began, and Pepper put a hand on his, cutting him off.

"Tony, now isn't the time," she said impatiently. "Steve, they don't mean anything by it."

"Yeah, no," said Tony. "It's just... subversion of traditional masculine archetypes or something. Hell, there are a lot of fangirls who think _we're_ doing the deed."

Pepper elbowed him and Steve's mouth dropped open. Natasha suppressed a snicker.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Wow, I think he just got paler. I'm gonna take the opportunity to feel insulted. It might be a good idea _not_ to tell anyone how shocked and appalled you are at their modern lack of morals; most of them just think you're hot, and wanna think about you with another hot guy. It's not a big deal."

Steve sat back down unsteadily.

"Are you all right?" asked Clint, hiding a bit of a smirk.

"They talk about this for fun? They think it's... sexy?"

"It's just a joke, Cap."

"A joke?"

"Come on, it's not an insult—" Tony began, rolling his eyes.

"It's not an insult," Steve interrupted, his voice tight. "But it's not a joke, either."

"Are you all right?" Natasha said, feeling a slight pang of alarm at Steve's ashen face.

Steve met her gaze and she sat up slightly, uneasy. His eyes were wide and haunted, and she exchanged a puzzled glance with Sam.

"Do you know what happened to soldiers in my time when they were... together, like that?" Steve asked, his voice hushed.

"They were kicked out?" said Clint. "Steve, nobody really thinks—"

"It was called a blue discharge," said Steve. "It went on your permanent record; everyone knew what it meant. You could never hold your head up again; you were a pervert, couldn't say you'd been in the army, couldn't say..." he trailed off. Natasha's brows drew together. No, hang on, he couldn't mean... "We were together. Me and Bucky," Steve said, and the room went absolutely still.

Sam finally broke the silence. "Um." He cleared his throat. "You mean..."

"For ten years, since we were kids. And when the army found out, they didn't think it was cute or sexy or fun to talk about. They—" he swallowed, putting a hand on his eyes.

"Steve," Natasha whispered, shock swiftly giving way to a sick feeling in her stomach. God, outed in the US Army, during the War - Steve's jaw worked for a moment, and then he went on.

"He - we were arrested, and they put him in handcuffs, fucking _handcuffs_," said Steve, and his voice was hoarse. Tony looked horrified now, and Clint's eyes were wide with disbelief. "Handcuffs, for loving me. It wasn't cute. It wasn't—" his voice broke.

"Steve," Natasha repeated, and had no idea what else to say, and Clint's hand stole into hers again. Jesus Christ. She squeezed his fingers, appalled, watching Steve's tightly controlled body language, his pain almost palpable around him.

Bruce shook his head, his own features paler. "I... we had no idea. I'm so sorry."

Steve shook his head again. "It - it's not, it's not funny. It's not. You have no idea." He lowered his hands and stared at the floor, lips pressed together.

"How did - wait, how come none of this is anywhere?" asked Clint. "SHIELD has records of _everything_ about you. How did we not know this?"

"We all agreed to never tell anyone," said Steve dully. "I tried to resign, but Colonel Phillips, he said they couldn't afford to let me - and he forced the Commandos to keep it quiet. Me and Bucky had to promise to never - and the men, they..." suddenly Steve swallowed and his eyes filled with tears. "We - we had to stay away from each other, like we hadn't tried over and over and over again-" he blinked rapidly. "We had to - we'd tried so fucking hard, before, to..." He took a deep, shaking breath.

_Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky_, he'd said, Natasha recalled. Damn it. She'd thought he meant childhood friendship, brotherhood - she'd never suspected anything like this.

"You'd tried to stay apart?" asked Pepper. "Why?"

Steve gave a short shaky laugh. "I loved him," he said, his voice soft. "I loved him too much to just let him be gossiped about, or beaten up, or looked down on. Or have him be single all his life. He deserved - he deserved everything I couldn't give him. A family, respect-" he cleared his throat. "And after the men knew, at first it was everything I'd ever been afraid of. But then... then after a while Bucky started to talk about maybe not hiding any more. Actually staying together, after the War. And then... then he was gone." He swallowed and a tear spilled over. He wiped it away impatiently. "I have to find him. I have to try to help him."

"Of course you do," said Bruce. "What can we do?"

Steve blinked.

"You're gonna need a place to bring him, after you find him," said Clint. "You can't let SHIELD get their hands on him - or the Armed Forces, if they keep taking over all SHIELD operations."

Natasha shuddered. "They'll want to extract every piece of information they can from him. And that's assuming it's SHIELD or the Armed Forces in charge and not HYDRA."

"Bring him here," said Tony, and Pepper nodded, and Natasha noted her own eyes were a little red. "We can set up something, some kind of secure facility in the Tower. Nobody but us will know he's here."

"He's probably gonna need massive amounts of therapy," said Sam. "Stark, you got people you trust? Like, really good shrinks?"

"We have a few, on staff," said Pepper. "I'll go over their files myself and find some we can trust."

"I have some contacts too," said Natasha. "Some people who can help deprogram. I'll look over his file, see what we might need. A lot of what he does is unreal; he's probably had a combination of chemical, implants, conditioning..." she frowned, her mind racing. What would be left of the man Steve had known and loved? How would Steve, still so pure and moral despite everything he'd seen, deal with what they'd find? How would-

No. Time for that _after_ they found Barnes.

"Do you mind if I read over his file too?" asked Bruce.

Steve stared at them all. "What... what are you talking about?" He wiped his eyes impatiently. "Why are you..."

"We're going to help," said Clint.

"But - why?"

Tony and Pepper blinked at him, confused.

"Why wouldn't we?"

"You were all telling me why I should leave this to somebody else—"

"Steve. Dude." Tony leaned toward him. "Listen, it's a little different thean thinking you're going to go self-sacrificing for some guy you knew out of a sense of obligation or whatever. I thought he was just... you know, your army buddy. Who's a little brainwashed-assassiny right now, and you were maybe doing some guilt trip where you think it's your fault one of your men was left behind or, something army, I dunno." He paused. "This is different. This is... this is your childhood sweetheart we're talking about." Steve's eyes widened and his mouth silently repeated _childhood sweetheart_. "Your other half, and all that. I know if it was Pepper..." he trailed off, glancing at Pepper, his gaze softening momentarily. "I wouldn't stop until I found her and she was OK. You won't either."

Steve crossed his arms. "What about 'we've got bigger responsibilities?'"

"We do," Natasha agreed. "And we're going to do something about them. But you won't be able to help us until he's all right, so we might as well help you, so you can join us as soon as possible."

Steve stood up again and glanced around at the group. He opened his mouth, then closed it and ran a nervous hand through his hair.

Sam spoke up. "Steve... are you all right?"

Steve shrugged helplessly and paused, seeming to reach for words. "Uh... disoriented," he finally said, his voice low. "I - I know things aren't the same now. But." He swallowed and glanced over the group again. "This is so different. People finding out and offering _more_ help, not less, because we're - because we were together."

"Well, welcome to the 21st century then," said Tony dismissively. "A lot's changed. Hopefully you can find him and get him un-assassined and you can live happily ever after. Might even be able to make an honest man out of him; New York's got gay marriage now, in case you didn't get that memo."

Steve's mouth fell open. "I - that's not, I'm _not_ looking for him because of - he doesn't even know me." He paused. "He almost killed me. Twice."

"There's _something_ there," said Natasha. "He remembered something. He knew you enough to pull you out of the water."

Steve nodded doubtfully.

"All right." Sam put down his drink and stood up, approaching Steve and clapping him on the shoulder. "What are we waiting for? Let's get to work, and figure out how to find your guy."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Thanks so much, Rainne and Aurilly, for beta!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note:** Thanks so much, Aurilly and Tina! Awesome beta :)

* * *

"I can't believe it," said Clint, striding into the room, his eyes immediately going to the observation window where Bruce was testing the restraints on the unconscious Winter Soldier. "Jesus, finally." He turned to Sam and Steve. "So how did you catch him?"

"We didn't," said Sam, his manner a mixture of puzzled, bothered and relieved, and Natasha could sympathize.

Chasing after ghosts and vague rumors for months, all of them contributing what they could in terms of possible sightings from automatic surveillance and supposed HYDRA boltholes, places the Winter Soldier might have gone to ground... and suddenly the thrill of the chase destroyed by their quarry just about walking up to them and handing himself in.

Not that Steve seemed to mind that. Not that Steve seemed to mind anything right now as he stood in front of the observation window, arms crossed, eyes fixed on the dark-haired man who was shackled to the bed, sleeping off a massive shock.

"Steve was searching the warehouse," said Sam. "I flew over the roof to see if there were any signs and there he was. Didn't look surprised or anything. Like he knew we were coming."

"He probably did," said Natasha.

"But he's been running all this time. Hiding. Why show himself now?" Sam's frustration was evident. "Natasha, he just stood there, gun down till I drew mine - and he wasn't even trying. He could've gotten off good shots instead of a couple of pathetic wing dings before I stunned him."

"There comes a time when you just get tired," said Natasha. "You want to rest. You don't really care what happens after you're captured."

Clint touched her hand gently.

"Yeah, well he would've known Steve would capture him, not kill him," said Sam. "Steve refused to even defend himself when Barnes was trying to kill him. But me?"

"When you're tired enough you don't much care whether you survive, Sam," Natasha said. Clint pulled her close and Natasha knew he was thinking the same thing. How she'd gotten sloppy too, at the end, when he was hunting her, no longer caring to live or die. How she'd let him get the drop on her, let him bring her in to SHIELD, not knowing what would happen to her but knowing it had to be better than what she was living with.

"Has he said anything?" asked Clint.

Sam shook his head. "He's been sedated the whole time. We brought him back here, wanted him in a secure environment when he woke up. You know what happened in the past when he didn't want to be confined."

Natasha smiled grimly. The Winter Soldier had been captured by a splinter group of Ten Rings once in the eighties; the devastation had been impressive and the legend had reached mythical proportions. Nobody had been eager to try to capture him since. She, Tony and Bruce had spent some time figuring out adequate restraining, sedation and observation devices for transportation and long-term housing.

"Has _he_ said anything?" Clint asked softly, nodding at Steve. Sam shook his head.

Steve glanced over his shoulder. "_He's_ right here," he said irritably. He turned back to the window. "We've got him sedated, but that should be wearing off in the next hour or so. Bruce will oversee his waking up."

"Will you be in there?" asked Clint.

"We don't know if that'll be helpful," said Steve. "It would be different if he'd seen me before being stunned. I don't know how much he remembers about me; it might be counter-productive to have me there. Distracting, if he doesn't know where he knows me from." He turned to Sam. "You should probably go in there; he gave himself up to you, so it might be reassuring to him to see you. Then again, if he knows I've been partnered with you..." he frowned thoughtfully.

Natasha spoke up. "You should go in for a few minutes after Bruce has established a rapport. _If_ Bruce can establish rapport. Stay five minutes, answer any questions, then leave."

"I'll let him know nobody's trying to trick him into thinking I'm not here, but let him know his presence here doesn't depend on him doing anything about it."

Sam nodded, and Clint and Natasha traded a glance at the detached, unemotional tone of Steve's voice. He might have been discussing the best way to get surveillance, or storm a HYDRA base. She'd had a number of these talks with him over intelligence reports about Barnes's whereabouts, as they discussed therapists to deal with what she'd found in Barnes's files, and his manner had been the same... but somehow she'd expected him to get a little more animated when they actually found Barnes himself.

Bruce came out of the room.

"He should be up in the next hour or so," he told Steve. "That 'night-night' stun-gun you used is powerful, but his vital signs are coming around. I'm patterning his physical responses on yours and mine, since we're both recipients of versions of the Serum. It's pretty imprecise, though; we don't really know enough about him."

"No, we don't." Steve frowned. "Wish we did. The reports said he's likely to be fighting for consciousness more than normal. Did you factor that in?"

"Yes, we did."

Steve looked back into the room. "How's his physical state?"

"Well, he's malnourished and shows signs of exhaustion," said Bruce. "Otherwise he's healthy. He's also been grooming himself, but his teeth, nails, hair, all point to some difficulty with regular access to anything luxurious in terms of facilities. I'd guess he hasn't been staying at spas, but neither has he been sleeping in dumpsters. Probably low-end motels. Without speaking to him, no idea whether he's been in contact with HYDRA or not."

"That's our first priority: find out if he's still in contact with them," said Steve. "Find out whether he really did basically give himself up. Try to figure out what he wants." He gazed at Barnes thoughtfully. "We need to let him know that we're not going to hand him over to HYDRA, but if he's still with them he's not going to betray us to them either. If he's lucid enough, we should also let him know he's confined here, for his own good and our own. We don't want to make him feel like we're hiding anything."

"Oh - shit. Here we go," said Sam, as the man in the other room stirred. Bruce walked back in, sat down on the stool near the bed, and waited.

"Where am I?" was the first thing that Barnes asked. He rattled his hand in the cuffs, but testing, not trying to break. He seemed more curious than anything else.

"You're being held in a secure facility in New York City."

"SHIELD?"

"No. Stark Tower."

"Stark? Tony Stark?"

Bruce nodded. "You're restrained because we don't know enough about your conditioning, or whatever was done to you by HYDRA. Once we're sure you won't hurt us, you'll be released."

Barnes nodded calmly. "Hurt you, personally?"

Bruce gave him a small, grim smile. "You can't hurt me. I'll explain why later. We're more worried about you hurting yourself, or getting out and hurting civilians. We've read what was done to you. We know you can get yourself out of just about any confinement, kill somebody with a ballpoint pen, and probably have a number of tricks up your sleeve we don't know about. We're counting on you wanting to be here."

"Why would I want to be here?" asked Barnes.

"Because you gave yourself up," said Bruce.

Barnes's eyes narrowed. "That's debatable."

"He's coherent," Steve commented. "I wasn't sure we could expect that."

"We're the good guys," Bruce was saying. "We're not SHIELD, we're not HYDRA. We have no agenda other than helping you, and keeping you and the public safe from anyone who's trying to find you." He paused. "Is anyone trying to find you?"

"I don't know. None of my handlers showed up. They usually do, if I fail."

"Have you failed before?"

"Not failed my mission, just... malfunctioned." Clint made a small sound in his throat and Natasha wondered what the hell that meant. Barnes glanced around the room, spotting the large one-way mirror. "Who are you?" he asked Bruce, not taking his eyes off the mirror.

"Bruce Banner. I'm a doctor. I work with Tony."

"Who else is here? The guy with the wings?"

"Yes."

"Who else?" asked Barnes, his voice tense.

"Steve Rogers," said Bruce. Barnes nodded. Bruce hesitated, then leaned forward. "Does that name ring a bell?"

"He was my last target," said Barnes calmly. "I failed to kill him."

"You saved his life."

"That's debatable. The Serum might have saved his life. Or the pararescuers."

"But you pulled him out of the water."

Barnes shrugged, eyes still glued to the mirror.

"Do you know who he is?" asked Bruce. "Other than your last target?"

"I saw the Smithsonian exhibit," said Barnes.

"So you know who you are, then."

"I know that was my face on that display. James Barnes."

"Was any of what you saw familiar?"

"No."

Natasha glanced at Steve, who was staring impassively at the window. His jaw flexed slightly and he pressed his lips together, and she tried to imagine what that had to feel like. His lover of ten years, whom he'd mourned and then sought all over the world... still didn't remember a thing.

They'd known it would be possible, of course. Even likely.

It didn't help.

"Do you want to see the man with the wings?" asked Bruce. "Or Steve?"

"Can I see Rogers?" asked Barnes.

Steve took a deep breath, looking nervous for the first time since this had begun, and entered the room without hesitation.

Natasha tensed as Barnes turned to meet Steve, raking eyes over him, his hands relaxed in the shackles. Mild curiosity and puzzlement were all she could read in him - no hostility at least. Steve held his gaze, his face so carefully blank it was hard to get any kind of read off him.

"Didn't know if I'd see you," Barnes said finally.

Steve swallowed. "Did you want to see me?" he asked, his voice low and tightly controlled.

Barnes shrugged. "I was curious."

"Did you turn yourself in on purpose?" asked Steve.

"Not sure. Didn't really feel like it at the time." Barnes examined Steve. "Are you gonna hand me over to anybody?"

Steve shook his head. "We're going to keep you here. You're safe. Nobody's going to hurt you here."

Barnes's eyebrow went up. "Wasn't worried about that." He glanced at his wrists and ankles. "How long are you gonna keep the shackles on?"

"We're not sure," said Steve. "Not long. Tony - Stark - has outfitted a floor for you upstairs. It's a little bare bones - we know you've been trained to make weapons out of just about anything - but we'd like to keep you comfortable if possible."

Barnes nodded. "And I'm here until... when?"

"We don't know that either," said Bruce. "You must know people are looking for you."

Barnes nodded. "Yeah," he said indifferently. "And I know most of them aren't gonna be concerned with keeping me comfortable."

"You're also dehydrated and undernourished," said Bruce. "We'd like to fix that."

Barnes nodded.

Clint crossed his arms. "You know, it's funny, if Steve hadn't said this was his one-and-only that he watched die and then spent the last four months chasing down to the ends of the earth... I'd swear I'm watching a SHIELD debrief here."

"He's been like this from the beginning," Sam agreed. "Like it's just an important assignment."

"It's not," said Natasha. Steve was keeping it together, yes, but she'd seen him relaxed and focused on a mission, and she'd seen him angry and tense. He wore his heart on his sleeve most of the time. This was different. It was like he was shut down.

He was also exhausted, she suddenly realized. She could read the line of tension in his shoulders, his movements strained and lacking his normal grace.

"When was the last time he slept?" she asked.

"Got up early around five in the morning when we got the tip on Barnes," said Sam, and Natasha glanced at the wall. Two in the morning.

"He can go for longer," said Clint absently. "You know that."

Natasha nodded, focussing on the three men in the room again.

"What do you want us to call you?" Bruce was asking. Steve tensed minutely.

Barnes shrugged. "I don't usually need a name. Winter Soldier in Russian was my code name. Don't suppose I need it any more." He glanced at Steve. "Eric Branson's the name I have on my current fake ID. It's as good as any."

"You don't want to go by your original name?" asked Steve, his voice tight.

"James Barnes?" He shrugged again. "Doesn't matter. If that makes things simpler, fine."

"What do _you_ want?" asked Steve.

"Barnes is fine," said Barnes.

"Do you have any other questions for me?" Steve asked.

"No," said Barnes.

Steve nodded. "I'll leave you to Bruce, then," he said. He came back to the observation room, closing the door from Barnes's room just as the other door opened and Tony rushed in.

"Holy shit I thought JARVIS was kidding," he murmured, giving them all a distracted wave and moving straight to the one-way mirror. "Can't believe you actually found him. Finally."

"Yeah," said Steve, picking up the tablet that held their notes on Barnes.

Tony watched Bruce talking quietly to Barnes. "So... how is he?"

"He's going to be all right, physically," said Steve. "Gonna need proper nutrition and medical care, but he seems to be in good health, physically. Better than we'd hoped, anyway, considering. Mentally it may be another story, but it's encouraging so far." He scanned over a report and Natasha could see he wasn't really registering. "He's lucid, and seems to be taking the confinement in stride. Again, better than we expected." He glanced at Natasha. "Then again, it may have to do with some of what's in his file, and what you talked about with the Red Room, the conditioning he went through. It could be an act."

Natasha nodded.

"How are you?" asked Tony cautiously.

Steve glanced at him. "Fine. Relieved. I'm glad we got him before HYDRA did. Or the police. Though according to what Natasha's said, I guess the hard part starts now." He turned back to the file.

"Hey." Tony waited for Steve to acknowledge him, then shrugged and continued when it became clear that he wouldn't. "This... this is your guy in there. It's OK to be happy. Or sad, or upset." He paused. "Or... something."

"Thanks," said Steve absently, still looking over the reports.

Tony exchanged a glance with Natasha.

"Did you contact the therapists?" she asked.

"I called them. Well - Pepper did. They'll be here in the morning."

Bruce tapped on the window, and signaled for Steve to come back into the room.

"Yes?"

"Rogers," said Barnes, almost as if he didn't want to.

Steve stiffened slightly. "Yes?"

Barnes licked his lips. "I remember you," he said calmly. "Sort of."

Steve paled, but nodded.

"And I looked stuff up on the Internet, and at the Smithsonian."

"You did?"

"I knew I knew you. They told me you were just my target, but I remembered. That's why they wiped me the last time, because I remembered."

"I'm sorry," Steve said cautiously. _Wiped_. Natasha had read about that in his file. Barnes seemed to remember inconvenient things sometimes; got erratic, and had to be erased. Apparently it involved a fair amount of pain.

"Are you gonna be involved in whatever it is they're going to do with me?" Barnes asked, not acknowledging Steve's apology.

"I was planning on it," said Steve.

Barnes nodded. "I'd rather you weren't."

Steve blinked.

"Oh shit," muttered Clint.

"What?"

Barnes shrugged. "I don't know how much they wiped or how whether it'll come back at all. I do know that you're not a shrink, and you're not a doctor. You're just some guy who knew me a long time ago, and you have a reputation for getting too involved in what you shouldn't." He sounded like he'd rehearsed his lines. "Thanks for looking for me. I understand that you thought you were under some sort of obligation. But you've done your duty." He paused. "I'll look you up once I'm all right, if that ever happens."

Steve looked off-balance. "I... I want to be here."

"You don't need to be. And I'd rather you weren't."

Steve swallowed. "Why?"

Barnes narrowed his eyes. "You nearly let me kill you. I'm a little confused right now, but I do know that I want to figure things out, and that'll be difficult if you're around. And you've probably got an agenda, want to get your army buddy back. I'm not him."

Steve took a deep breath and nodded. "All right. If it'll be better for you."

"Not sure about the 'better for me' part," said Barnes indifferently. "But I'm pretty sure it's for the best overall."

Steve frowned. "Why?"

"You refused to kill me; I refuse to let you waste your time with me."

Steve's mouth opened, then closed. "Wait. You want to do this for me?"

"Sure. One good turn deserves another, right?"

Steve nodded, looking shaken. "Right." He nodded again, then cleared his throat, shifting his feet.

"Steve?" Bruce said quietly.

Steve was blinking rapidly, and Natasha noticed his hands were trembling. He bit his lip. "Um. Bucky." He cleared his throat again. "James. Don't. Please - please don't do that. Uh, send me away, that is."

Barnes's eyebrows rose. "Why not?"

"I - I want to help you-"

"I really don't remember much," Barnes pointed out. "I may not remember very much more, ever. I was wiped down a bunch of times during my training. And after."

Natasha swallowed. Damn it, as much as she normally felt pretty much at peace with her past, having Barnes here was doing all sorts of things to her equanimity. "You remember your training?" Bruce asked.

"Not a lot of it. But I don't really remember you," he said to Steve indifferently. "I'm grateful to you for not killing me when we were fighting, and for... this," he gestured around him, "if it's really supposed to be to help me. But I can't pay you back for anything."

Steve shook his head. "I - you don't have to pay me back. For anything. Bucky, I'm the reason you were lost in the first place. Anything I can do-"

"You already did," said Barnes. "You let me live and you set this up. Your debt's paid; you don't owe me anything."

"This isn't about _owing_ you-" Steve stopped. He pressed his lips together, and now Natasha could see that he was trembling. "Bucky-"

"I'm not Bucky."

"James, then." Steve took a deep breath.

"I'm not your friend, whoever he was," Barnes continued. "And you don't need to hang around waiting for me to turn into him-"

"James." Steve paused for a long moment. "Please let me be here." He briefly closed his eyes, evidently carefully thinking his next words. "I - you were my best friend," he told Barnes, keeping his tone steady, but his fists were clenched tight. "My whole life. You - I know you don't remember. You might never remember, and that's fine. If you never do, if you get better and you're stable and you can be allowed out of here and you decide you never want to see any of us again, that's fine." He voice shook slightly and he paused, his control beginning to slip. "We're helping you because you deserve help. You don't owe any of us here anything. You don't owe it to us to become who you were, or to remember anything, or do anything you don't want to do." He took another deep breath. "I'm not here because I want anything from you. But," his voice broke. He stopped again, and gathered himself. "You - you weren't just some guy I used to know," he said softly. "You were my best friend. You were..."

Natasha stepped to the door, and Clint gently put a hand on her arm.

"He's going to screw this up-" she began.

"Maybe. Let him."

"Barnes doesn't need to hear this."

"Maybe Steve needs to say it," said Sam.

In the room, Steve had composed himself slightly.

"We really were best friends?" Barnes asked slowly. "That wasn't just the Smithsonian?"

Steve shook his head. "We were best friends since we were kids," he said. "We were orphans, grew up together. You were the only family I had. You took care of me when I had nobody else. You were my hero." His eyes filled with tears and he held Barnes' gaze. "You went to war and got captured by HYDRA and I moved heaven and earth to rescue you. I was told you were dead, and I went against orders to rescue you anyway. You're the whole reason Captain America was anything other than a guy in tights selling war bonds. I did it for you." He took another deep breath. "And when you - you died, losing you was like losing part of me. I died days later and it was fine, I didn't care; I'd already felt dead without you."

Natasha held her breath. This wasn't the right time to tell the Winter Soldier that they'd been lovers, but Steve wasn't stopping, his voice shaking with suppressed grief and tension.

"I woke up in this world and it would've been better to stay dead, because you were gone. B- James. I know you don't remember. But don't - don't send me away. Please don't - if you feel you owe me anything at all, please - pay me back by letting me stay." A tear had spilled over now and Steve wiped it away. "Please, I..."

Barnes was gazing at him curiously. "All right," he finally said.

Steve nodded quickly, letting out his breath and staring at the floor for a moment before backing up and leaving the room. He closed the door and leaned his back against it, hands shoved deep in his pockets, head bowed.

In the other room, Bruce was approaching Barnes again and speaking to him quietly about therapy, and asking if he wanted to read his own file. Natasha ignored them both, as Steve took one deep breath after another, eyes closed and fighting for calm.

"Uh... you OK, there, big guy?" asked Tony gently.

Steve put a hand to his eyes and took a deep breath, then let it out. "N-no."

Natasha came closer. "No, you're not."

Steve put his hand down and met her gaze, his eyes swimming with tears and his voice unsteady. "You don't understand. He - after he died, I wanted to die too. And I - I know that's not him in there, but." He shivered.

"You have to consider what he said, though," said Natasha gently. "Won't it be worse, knowing that's not really him? Knowing that he can't come back?"

"I don't care." The tears spilled over now and Steve made no attempt to stop them. "I don't care. That's... that's _Bucky_ in there. I - after I was woken up, all I could think was that he wasn't there and he'd never be there again. That I'd loved him with everything I had and he was seventy years gone." He was shaking now, his words coming faster. "I lived without him, knowing he was dead, for just a few days, back in '45, and taking that plane down was a relief, not a sacrifice."

Natasha stepped closer and put a hand on his arm, hesitating before gently tugging on him, slightly startled as he let out his breath and drew her into his arms, his head on her shoulder.

As many times as they'd worked together, as close as they'd become, they weren't like this. Physical closeness was something she only ever did with Clint. But the rock-solid rigidity in Steve's body seemed to be loosening.

Steve clenched his eyes shut, a sob escaping from his throat, and Natasha almost felt like her small frame was holding up his large one. It always startled her a little, how big he was; he didn't look intimidating.

"I can't - I can't lose him again," he murmured his voice rough. "It's always been one of us sending the other away, and I can't do it any more." His breath shuddered and he held her tightly. "I don't care if it's selfish," he gasped, tears flowing unashamed now. "I don't care any more. It's _Bucky_. If there's even a chance, any part of him that's survived..."

Natasha gently stroked his hair, uncomfortable as hell at such naked emotion but grateful she could provide even a small measure of comfort. Sam came closer, putting a hand on Steve's back, and she realized that he'd probably seen more than his share of shell-shocked soldiers losing it, overwhelmed by their grief and no longer able to carry on. She wondered if he'd been expecting this.

She glanced at Tony and Clint, both politely having turned to the window, watching Bruce talk to Barnes, giving Steve what privacy they could.

"It's all right," she murmured. "Steve, it's all right. We'll all help. If anyone can get him through this, it's you."

Steve nodded, deep sobs racking him, the sorrow washing over him. Natasha briefly wondered if he'd let himself indulge in tears at any point in time, either after he woke up or while the search was going on. Wondered how much it had cost him to keep such a tight lid on his emotions as they worked to find Barnes, and whether he'd be able to pull himself together enough to help Barnes now.

"It's all right, Steve," Sam said quietly. "Just let it go."

Steve nodded wordlessly, shuddering in Natasha's arms and making no attempt to push it down any more. Probably for the best - though Natasha glanced at the room where Bruce was still speaking with Barnes and hoped Steve wasn't called back in any time soon.

What felt like hours later, finally the shaking was slowing down, and Steve's breathing was getting steadier. He drew a deep breath and started to straighten up, wiping his face.

"You all right?" asked Clint quietly, stepping away from the window and handing Steve a tissue.

Steve nodded automatically. "Uh. Sorry," he muttered, wiping his eyes, his voice wrecked. "I... sorry-"

"Think we were all wondering when that was gonna happen," said Sam. "Look, you can't keep it all in, all right? What's going on in there," he gestured with his head towards the other room, "what's happened to you and to him, you can't just take it all in stride."

"I have to," said Steve roughly. "It won't help him any if I'm a mess." He blinked rapidly, his hold on himself fragile but his resolve steely. "He's the priority here, not me."

"Yeah, he's the one who's been brain-wiped and all that," Sam agreed. "But you've gone through hell too, and ignoring that won't help him any. Especially if you're gonna be part of his recovery. You've gotta get yourself together and that _doesn't_ mean repressing everything, damnit."

Steve glared at him through reddened eyes. "I'm not-"

"I just spent four months helping you chase your boyfriend all over the world, with you treating it like a challenging mental exercise. Don't tell me you weren't repressed."

Steve bit his lip and looked into the room where Barnes sat quietly listening to Bruce.

"You're gonna need help too," Sam insisted.

"I'll set you up with someone," said Natasha. She paused. "And this time, please do me the courtesy of telling me if you're not going to take me up on it. I understand now why you didn't before, but..."

"You tried to set him up with a shrink?" asked Sam.

Natasha exchanged a glance with Steve, who was looking shaky but slightly less fragile. "I wish. I tried to set him up with girls."

Tony and Clint chuckled and Steve flushed.

"Why didn't you say anything?" asked Natasha.

Steve hesitated. "I wasn't... I know things are different now," he said slowly. "I wasn't ashamed, or trying to hide," he said, then paused and shrugged. "Who knows. Maybe I was, in part. But I couldn't - I didn't want to say anything because then I'd have to explain about Bucky and Bucky was _mine_. That part of my history was mine. Nobody else's business." He gazed at Barnes, and Natasha tried to see the gaunt, broken man lying in shackles as Steve must see him. As his file showed him: young, handsome, vital. "And I didn't ever want to think about what happened, or try to explain it to anybody." He glanced at her. "I probably would've told you eventually. Not about Bucky, but about not wanting to date any of the girls you set me up with."

"You're not bi, then," said Tony.

Steve shook his head. "Not really. Maybe a bit - I can find girls pretty, it's just... I didn't want to explain."

"I could've set you up with some very nice men too, you know," said Natasha.

Steve shook his head. "Not likely. I... it's really not my thing. Dating, that is."

"You know there's a lot of people who swear you're a blushing virgin," Tony commented, and Steve grimaced. "I always thought that was crap because you were surrounded by USO girls for months, but-"

The door opened and Bruce came out. "All right," he said, looking weary. "I've done all I can right now. I'm going to get him some food, do some bloodwork. He's agreed that he's probably got to stay restrained until we can get psych evaluations done."

Tony frowned. "He's staying in restraints until tomorrow?"

Steve shook his head, opening his mouth to protest.

Bruce put up a hand. "Before you say anything, I didn't suggest it. He did."

"What?"

"There's a lot of anger there, Steve. A lot of confusion, too, and fear. But a lot of anger there waiting to come out. Trust me. I know anger." He paused. "He's got to stay in restraints until we have a bit better idea of how to keep him and everyone else safe from that. I can't guarantee that he won't cause a hell of a mess in there if we release him, and while I'm sure you - or I - could contain him, I don't think you really want to do that. I know I don't."

Steve swallowed hard. "You know, one of the things that still gives me nightmares is seeing him cuffed like that when we were arrested." He blew out his breath. "It's like a horrible flashback. Damn it."

"Different context," said Natasha, resolving to ask him about that arrest some day. Not right now, though.

"Yeah. For one thing, this time I'm not right next to him. He doesn't even know me." Steve's reddened eyes met hers sadly. "Now the hard part starts, doesn't it?"

Natasha nodded grimly. "Now the hard part starts," she agreed.

* * *

**Author Note:** So, apparently Tony was targeted by Insight. See, I've only seen The Winter Soldier in the theatre once. So I didn't see that part. I am so jealous of those of you who were able to spot that!


End file.
